In an era when political arguments ruin Thanksgiving dinners, Stephen Henderson and Nolan Finley have built a friendship that proves disagreement doesn’t have to destroy relationships.
The two veteran journalists joined the Overton Window Podcast to discuss their new book The Civility Book: A Guide to Building Bridges Across the Political Divide. With more than two decades of spirited disagreement under their belts, Henderson and Finley have managed to remain close friends despite stark ideological differences.
Now, they’re offering insights on how others can do the same.
“Our book is about how Nolan and I have managed over 18 years now not to bludgeon each other to death, despite the fact that we disagree on just about everything,” Henderson says with a laugh. Throughout those years, the two have debated hot-button political issues without letting the intensity of those disagreements permanently damage their friendship.
“We go back and forth, and sometimes very loudly. And sometimes very angrily. But when we walk away, we have a greater understanding of the issue,” Finley says. “Every time Steve and I engage, I learn something,”
That’s what the new book is about, Henderson explains: protecting the relationships that matter, even when the arguments get tough. “If you think about the things that we’re struggling with right now in our city, in our state, in our country, this is near the top of the list — that ability to have civil discourse about the things that we can’t come to agreement on.”
Too often, people make assumptions and form negative opinions about those with opposing political beliefs. Those assumptions, the authors argue, erode civility and weaken the social fabric.
“We want people to disagree and find value in the disagreement,” Finley says. “We do believe a functioning democracy requires healthy dissent.”
To illustrate this point, Finley tells a story from a Republican Party policy conference on Mackinac Island. He was covering the event for The Detroit News, and Henderson was there reporting for the Detroit Free Press.
While leaving the bar, Finley was confronted by two women horrified to see him sharing a drink with Henderson. “Is that Steve Henderson you’re drinking with? Is he a friend of yours?” they asked. When Finley said yes, they replied, “He is so awful. We just hate him.”
At this, Finley was taken aback. The women had never met with or spoken to Henderson, and yet they were confidently saying they hated him.
So Finley invited them to sit down and talk with Henderson. They did. Hours later, he followed up.
“They said, ‘he is so wonderful. We just love him.’ Nothing about Steve changed. Nothing about them changed in terms of their beliefs. What had happened was they’d taken the time to get to know each other.”
That’s the core of what Henderson and Finley are advocating: not compromise, not consensus, but connection. They advocate for a willingness to stay in the room, to keep talking, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Civility, they attest, is not about agreeing to disagree. Nor is it about trying to win someone over. “It’s not about persuasion. We’re not trying to convert,” Finley says.
“It doesn’t make you think differently,” Henderson says of divisive conversation. “It makes you think in a different way about the issue.”
Our country doesn’t need less disagreement; it needs better disagreement with fewer friendships lost in the process.
Listen to the full conversation on the Overton Window Podcast.
